Random (Slingshot) Conversation...
Kid: Bonjour Monsieur. (Hello Sir)
Me: Bonjour. (Hello)
Kid: Un Dirham s'il vous plait. (A Dirham please)
Me: Non. (No -we've been told not to give kids money)
Kid: Un bonbon. (A candy)
I keep walking down the street. Something lands just to my left. Then something hits the back of my shoes. I turn around and the kid has a home-made slingshot that he's using to shoot stuff at me with! He shrugs and pulls the elastic back again.
Luckily he didn't actually hit me -maybe he had bad aim, or maybe he didn't actually want to hit me and have me run after him?

Cheaper if you´re Chinese...
Yesterday I went into a little corner store that happened to be run by a Chinese man. About half the items had no price tags or labels, so I picked up a box of crackers and asked the man in Mandarin:
Me: How much is this?
Him: Huh? (a bit of shock)
Me: How much is this? (still in Mandarin)
Him: Uh, 2.70. (€)
Me: Hmmmm (thinking it´s a bit expensive)
Him: Less expensive, I´ll give 2.40.
Me: OK.
So that´s 30 cents that I´ve saved by taking Mandarin class!

Really Bad HP Customer Service...
In my continuing struggle to find out what's happened with my laptop at HP (and get it back!), I haven't found out anything except that they've got really bad customer service.
I called the Canadian number (important to note) again on Wednesday to see what was happening, and where my computer was. I of course got booted around to a bunch of different people, and eventually talked to Kumar. He couldn't help me, and transfered me to some box-store/HP liason lady who was supposed to be able to find my computer in the system. Obviously Kumar didn't know that I was calling from Canada (despite me calling a Canadian number and being offered service in English or French), because he connected me to a lady in the US. After giving her all my info, computer info, store info, etc., she couldn't find my computer in the system. Nothing! I was getting a bit nervous. After 10 minutes of trying every number, product code, and phone number, she asked for my ZIP code. I gave her my postal code. "Your ZIP code sir." "Ah, I'm in Canada." "Well I'm in the States. Sorry sir, but I can't help you. You'll have to call the Canada support number."
Back to square one!
When I called the number "all of our agents are [of course] busy", but I could leave a message and they would respond in 24 hours. I decided it best to hold and wait for an actual person. It's not like I didn't have to write a 10-page paper about medical negligence for the next day on a borrowed computer or anything.
10 minutes of elevator music later and no operator. The system decided automatically to put me through to voice mail where I left an unhappy message with my product details and phone number. The machine said they would respond in 24 hours. It's been 4 days now...
So I went to Staples on the weekend, where I bought the laptop and a 3-year warranty, to see if they could help. The manager photocopied my details, and said she would have the tech department email HP.

Annoying HP...
My Compaq V2000 had to be repaired (i.e. have its hard drive replaced) in August just before I left for Ottawa. I figured that would be fine for a while, but three weeks after arriving in Ottawa Windows wouldn't start. So I took the laptop once again back to Staples, where I have a warranty, to get it fixed. I took it in on the 19th of September, and I'm still waiting. I finally went in, and they said that it was shipped on the 20th of September to HP to have
it fixed and that I'd have to call HP to check on the status.
I tried calling last Friday, and my call was dropped twice. The first time I actually talked to someone, after battling for several minutes with the voice automated system, who transferred my call. After a minute of music it was dropped with the annoyingly familiar 'beep beep beep' noise.
Anyway, I called HP yesterday to try again. A few friends suggesting pressing the '0' key to avoid the voice automated mess. I pressed '0' a whole bunch of times, but an annoying automated female voice replied calmly "I can understand when you speak; you don't need to press numbers".
Ugh. Then she says something like "to help us better serve you, please say 'home, work, or business'."
"Home."
"Sorry, I don't seem to understand you. Let's try this again. Please say 'home, work, or business'." WHAT?! I thought she just said she could understand me and I didn't need to have to press buttons!
"Just give me an operator."
"Sorry, I don't seem to understand you. Please wait while I transfer you to an operator." Finally.
Music. Then I'm finally talking to a human.
After giving my phone number, product number, ticket number, computer model, name, address, and waiting ages while they try to find the product, the guy says that they haven't done anything with the computer.
"What do you mean that nothing has been done? I sent in the computer on the 20th of September, that's a month ago. Can you please tell me more about what you've done with it and when I can expect to get it fixed?"
"I can't give you that information. I'll transfer you to the Status Department."
More music, more waiting. Then my call gets transferred to India. The lady could hardly understand me, and the connection was awful.
"Hello sir, how can I help you?"
I go through the whole thing again, but this time she can't seem to find the computer! "Kindly wait 2 or 3 minute Sir."
Finally she figures out what's going on and tells me that it hasn't been fixed yet. "What do you mean that nothing has been done? I sent in the computer on the 20th of September, that's a month ago. Can you please tell me more about what you've done with it and when I can expect to get it fixed?" I feel like a parrot.
"Kindly wait 2 or 3 minute Sir." Crackling noises and what I think is Hindi in the background.
"Sorry Sir, I will put in a work order to fix the computer right away."
-OK, so isn't that why I sent the laptop to HP, to have it fixed? Are they now doing a storage system where if you go on vacation they'll hold onto your computer for the fun of it?! If the laptop has been sent in a month earlier for repair, why is the repair order just being made now?
"Well can you at least tell me when it'll be fixed."
"Kindly wait 1 or 2 minute Sir." Crackling noise.
"Hello Sir, maybe the maximum time is 7 or 9 day plus shipping, unless there is a backlog."
"Well can you tell me if there's a backlog?" I asked trying not to sound frustrated.
"Yes, I can find out if there's a backlog. Kindly wait 1 or 2 minute Sir." Crackling noise. "There is no backlog of the parts."
"Well I need the computer to do work, and this will take 6 or 7 weeks, so I'd appreciate it if you can do this as fast as possible."
"Thank you Sir for calling HP. Please have a nice day. If you have any questions you can look at the website www.hp. (long pause, while she's trying to figure out which country I'm in) ca"
Ugh. So now I have to wait another 2 or 3 weeks before I get my laptop back for the second time since August from HP Repair. Hopefully it will last longer than 3 weeks this time before it crashes again!

Random (Laowaiing) Conversation...
This one happened during the May holiday at the Summer Palace in Beijing. Walking along a little boy points his grubby finger into my face (no more than 5cm away) and shouts at the top of his lungs:
Grubby: LAOOOOOWAIIIIII! (Foreigner)
LaoWai: (Pointing back in his face) ZhongGuo Reeen! (Chinese person)
Family: hahahahaha
Yup, I had a Chinese moment by pointing my finger and shouting in a little kids face. At least I didn't make that hoarking noise followed by a big spit wad.
But his family really seemed to enjoy the speaking foreigner. Haha. Ain't that funny?

Random (Body) Conversations...
Here are two short conversations (for obvious reasons) which might start to show where and why stereotypes come from.
The first is an honest-to-truth conversation with one of the English teachers (ET) at my school.
ET: Hello. You have a fold in your eyelid!
Me: Yes, I do.
ET: Some people in China now have surgery to make a fold in their eyelid.
Me: OK.

The second happened in BeiJing, on my way to a youth hostel. After the normal "Where are you from? What do you do?", this comment was made.
Man: 你的鼻子很大。 (Your nose is big.)
Me: Uh, 谢谢你。 (Thank you.)

Random (Toaster) Conversation...
As you may or may not know, bread isn't too common or popular in China. It's still a bit of a novelty and many people think it's funny that we in the West eat 'so much bread'. Then I point out how much Chinese people eat rice, which we eat only occasionally.
Anyway, near the beginning of the second semester it was decided that a list should be made of the things in my room in case I try to put the sofa or meat clever into my suitcase. The ladies who run/clean the dorm building came into my room and started to make a list. Then they saw it...
L1: What's that? (Pointing at my toaster)
L2: I don't know. (She walks closer to look)
L1: What does it do?
L2: Do you plug it in?
Me: Um, you put this (I pick up the bread) bread into it.
L1: Ah, it's a bread toasting machine.
Me: Yes.

Random Conversation...
This one, or something very similar, happens fairly often.
A group of us, maybe 6 or 7 foreigners, were getting off a bus. A little kid waiting at the bus stop was quite excited to see so many foreigners, so he was jumping up and down and shouting.
Kid: 外国人！外国人！ (Foreigner! Foreigner!)
Me: 你好。你会说英语吗？ (Hello. Can you speak English?)
Silence...
I hurried on because I was the one to get off the bus. As I walked away I heard:
Mother: 他说了“你会说英语吗？”为什么你没说“Heeello”？
(He said "Can you speak English?", why didn't you say "Hello"?)

Random (Train Platform) Conversation...
This takes place just after we got off the train from Beijing to Baoding as Kim and I are dragging our bags and feet through the station. We were pretty much the last ones off the train when I heard some lady saying something loudly in Chinese behind us. It didn't register at first, but then I realised she was talking to us.
CL: You know that you're in Baoding? You've gotten off the train in Baoding. You're in the city of Baoding.
Me: I know.
CL: (Surprised look on her face) What are you DOING here in Baoding?
Me: Working.
CL: Ahhhhh, ok. What work?
Me: Foreign teacher.

Random Conversation...
This one shows some interesting differences; things we use in the West to describe people, like eye and hair colour, aren't so relevant in most of Asia.
A while back when I was taking a bus from town to my campus with a friend of a friend, a girl starts talking to me telling me what she studies and how she tutors spoken English. When she found out which school I worked at, the following conversation occurred:
Girl: Oh, I tutor some students that you teach.
Me: Really?
Girl: Yes, she is maybe in senior one or two, maybe you recognise him. But she never has talked to you. He is a girl.
Me: OK (*that narrows it from 2,000 to 1,000 students)
Girl: She has glasses.
Me: OK (*that narrows it to 600 students)
Girl: And maybe a round face.
Me: Hmmmm (*that narrows it to 500 students). Does she have black hair?
Girl: Yes.
Me: (*still 500 students) Sorry, I don't know which one you're talking about. I have many students.
Girl: Ah, OK. Can I have your phone number?

Random (Medical) Conversation Part II...
In China the Foreign Land People are supposed to get medical checkups before they are legally allowed to work/obtain their residence permit. Talking to one larger American with high blood pressure, he told this story which almost literally made me split my gut with laughter (it did hurt for a long time after).
So this guy goes to ShiJiaZhuang to get his medical exam and the doctor says that his blood pressure is too high to teach and therefore he can't work in China. The Chinese guy with him from the school has a discussion with the doctor, and voices raise over the next 30 minutes or so. Then he quickly pats the American on the shoulder and says "Let's go quickly".
The American asks what just happened. The man from the university informed the Chinese doctor that in American it's "fashionable to be fat". Because it's "fashionable to be fat" that also means that fat people have larger organs, including a larger heart to pump more blood. So because the American in front of the Chinese doctor is fat he must have a larger heart, which would explain the higher blood pressure.
"Fine" says the Chinese doctor, "he's medically OK to teach".

Random (Medical) Conversation Part I...
I've heard a few funny medical related conversations recently from a few foreigners in town. I think part of the hilarity is the way the story is told, but consider the situation and you too will laugh. The first conversation is quite short and occurs between a Chinese doctor and a Foreign Land lady with gall stones and goes something like this.
Dr.: You have a problem, something with the part that makes eggs.
FLL: No, it hurts up here.
Dr.: Yes, you have stones.
FLL: OK (as she has a painful gall stone attack in the room)
Dr.: You should stop eating so much meat if you don't want that to happen again.
FLL: But I've been a vegetarian for 10 years!
Dr.: Then you should stop eating so many green vegetables.
FLL: Which is it, the meat or the vegetables?!
He also told her to keep her feet warmer, so she went back to the US to have an operation to remove the gall stones.

Random Conversation...
Often when I walk around the track at school the students shout "Hello" at me from their dorm windows. But tonight after dinner as I was going around the track a girl shouted at me from her window:
"Hello handsome teacher!"

Random 'R' Conversation...
The North of China is know for it's 'R' accent. A lot of words from standard Mandarin don't have R's on the end, but around here there are a lot added. For example,ming2zi (名字, name) becomes mir2, and mian4tiao2 (面条, noodles) becomes mian4tiar2.
It was confusing to me at first, but now it has a unique charm and I prefer it to the accent in the south which omits the 'sh' and 'zh' sounds.
But for some reason this 'R' is sometimes transplanted into English. For example I've heard people shout at me a number of times:
"Heeellorr".

Random Conversation (Imagined?)...
Seeing as I'm a foreigner in China, a lot of Chinese people like to point it out to me by shouting "laowai" or "waiguoren" when they see me. As if I didn't already notice I'm not from China! Anyway, a lot of people also like to shout or say "Heellllow" at me. Not to me, but at me. They often say hello as I walk by, or just after I've walked by, or from across the street, or when they're walking behind me, or as they whiz by on their bike, or while crossing the street, or when they want me to buy something, or...
University aged guys and girls will often say hello at my back, then burst out laughing as I don't respond. I've often wondered what they think/say. Here's one possibility:
Guy1: Hey, there's a "laowai", let's shout Hello!
Guy2: Yeah, great idea. He'll love it.
Guy1: OK, you say it.
Guy2: No, you say it.
Guy3: Not me, I've only studied English for 9 years!
Guy1: Fine, I'll shout. Heellllow!
All: Hahahahahaha
Guy3: That was hilarious!
Guy2: We'll have to shout Hello more often.
Guy1: Wasn't I brave?!

Random (Tourist Vendor) Conversation...
When I was in Shanghai, Marie and I were looking for some Shanghai postcards. Now in most cities in China little ladies, for some reason they're usually very short, come running up to you every few minutes pulling postcards out of their fanny packs trying to sell them at over-inflated tourist prices which you then bargain down. For some reason that didn't happen in Shanghai, so we had to go to the touristy area to look for some postcards amidst the same tourist stuff you see in every tourist city in China.
A vendor (V) comes out of his 'antique' store and starts talking with Marie (M)...
V: Happy New Year! You want to look in store?
M: Happy New Year, no thank you.
V: Special price for you lady!
M: Special price for me? But only today.
V: Yes, special price only for you today!
Me: Do I get a special price only for me only today too?
V: You are the first customer this year (keep in mind it's four days after the New Year), so I give you special price.
M: Ah, I get special price (as we glance at another vendors trinkets).
V: I spent 2,000Yuan on fireworks for New Years, so you should buy something from me.
M: That's nice.
V: And today the gods come down, so I spend another 2,000Yuan on fireworks.
M: That's nice, do I get a special price?
V: Yes, special price only today because the gods are coming.

Random Text Message...
I got a random text message the other day, from an unknown number. It's not from a number or person that I know because I've saved every phone number I've been given, including people that have left because I'm too lazy to delete them from my phone. The text goes like this:

Hello what are you doing ?i am the student of hebei university:-)

Never mind that Hebei University has tens of thousands, they are the student of Hebei University. If you're reading this post, please send me a text with your name or an indication of where we met. Cheers.
While looking for the exact number of students at HeDa I found out that one of the faculty has discovered 103 species of locust and that "his way of categorizing the locust is among the most advanced in the world". Who knew there were so many species of locust?!

Random (Restaurant) Conversation...
Last night in a restaurant I ordered Gong Bao Ji Ding (KungPao Chicken). This conversation happened in Chinese, here's the translation.
Waitress: Would you like it with chicken or pork?
Me: Chicken.
Waitress: We don't have chicken, how about pork?
Me: Uh, OK. Pork then.
Why did she offer chicken if there wasn't any?

Random Conversation...
This is another Beijing baozi (包子) story. I was walking down the street in Beijing happily eating my baozi out of a bag with chopsticks (I'm in China, you can do that here) when I heard from a group of three university aged students:
#1: 老外吃饱子！ (The foreigner eats baozi!)
#2: 哈哈。 (hehe)
Me: 对，我吃包子。 (Yes, I'm eating baozi.)
#3: 啊，他说了！ (Ah, he spoke!)
#2: Hello!
#1: 你好！ (Hello!)
Me: 你好。 (Hi.)

Random (Inflation) Conversation...
When I was recently in Beijing I stopped at a small place near the hostel to get some meat baozi (steamed buns filled with meat), which cost 3RMB for one tray. The next day I went back with two friends to get some for breakfast. This time we bought a tray of baozi and one of steamed jiaozi.
Seller: 一共十块钱。 (Altogether it's 10RMB)
Me: 等一下。 这铁包子多少钱？ (Wait a second, how much is this tray?)
Seller: 五块钱。 (5RMB)
Me: 哪，昨天是三块钱。 (Yesterday it was 3RMB)
Seller: 什么？ (What?)
Me: 昨天这是三块钱。 (Yesterday this was 3RMB)
Seller: 呵呵。 (Haha)
Then he gives us back 2RMB change.